Momma: Dexter! I bought you a present!
Me: What? I didn't think we did that whole gift exchange thing at the holidays.
Momma: Well, that's true. But remember, the rule is that if you see something that you think somebody really wants, then you can get it. No strings.
Me: Oh boy! Is it a membership in the Bacon of the Month Club?
Momma: Not exactly. Something even better.
Me: Better than bacon?
Momma: Yup, I got you BOOTS! Fido Fleece Boots to be precise.
Me: Why on earth would you think I wanted boots?
Momma: Because sometimes the road salt they use to melt snow hurts your feet. You walk like you don't want any of your feet touching the ground. That has to be uncomfortable. Tell me the truth.
Me: The truth? You can't handle the truth! Momma, we live in a world that has humans. And those humans have to be protected from their own torpidity. Who's gonna do it? You? You, momma? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep over the snow and you curse the ice. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that walking in inclement weather, while inconvenient, probably keeps your bottom from getting as wide as Lacie's. And my existence, while trying and incomprehensible to you...
Momma: WTF Dex? Were your watching "A Few Good Dogs" on Netflix again? Besides, I'm not returning them. Do you know how many pairs I went through before I found something that fit your big clown feet?
Me: Excuse me?
Momma: Besides, no boots, no walks.
Me: Blackmail for Christmas. Nice.
10 minutes later...
|I hope Rocky the Shih Tzu doesn't see me. He'll tell everyone I'm a wuss.|
Momma: Just start walking. You won't even know you have them on.
Me: Oh, I'll know.
One mile later...
Me: Hey! These boots aren't half bad. Take a movie, Momma.
Me: Now POST IT! Do I have to do everything around here?
Momma: Oops. Sorry, pal, I posted it here.
Me: I have to admit, I look kind of sporty. Almost like a rugged action dog. Hey Momma, do you think R wears boots? R is my hero.
Momma: Well, Dex, I don't think they have road salt in the mountains where he lives, but I'll bet he wears boots when it is really cold and snowy.
Me: Cool. Post my photo! Post my photo!
|I am a rugged adventure dog, just like R!|
Momma: So did you like wearing them?
Me: I have to admit, my feet did stay nice and dry and even though I never complained, that road salt did hurt sometimes. Thanks, I love them.
Momma: Great! Because I ordered you a set of high tops for when the snow and slush is really deep.
Me: Ruh roh.